That seemed to be my question for God. Why would He not answer my call? Why wasn’t He healing me? His word said He would be faithful. His word promises that He will give good things to the faithful and the upright. Am I not upright enough?
Stuck in bed from throwing up for the tenth week in a row, I was unsure where God was in this. My body was sick for some reason, but none of the doctors knew what it was. Am I to live the rest of my life like this? I knew, deep down, that that wasn’t true, but thoughts like this tend to crowd your mind when you are struggling with your health, no matter how small the issue is.
Eventually God did guide me to a doctor that found out I had gluten and dairy intolerance, but little did I know that these same thoughts I had when I was fourteen would go through my mind again, nearly seven years later.
Once again stuck in bed from an unknown illness. Panic attacks plagued me every time I went somewhere and all the doctors shrugged their shoulders and said, “Oh, it’s all in your head. Take these pills…” when I knew it was something much deeper than just that. Was I really going crazy? Was it all in my head?
All I could do was lay in bed and think.
My instruments lay around me, reminding me of my lack of energy to play them and the games on my Nook seemed empty and old. There was nothing to do but think.
My thoughts went back to my past and my earlier bought with health problems. I remembered the thoughts and the lies that had gone through my head and were going through my head once more.
“Why are you doing this?”
“If this is all in my head, then our relationship must have changed for the worst, right?” I knew God was faithful. I knew He had a plan for me. I knew all the right answers, but none of them gave me the answer I needed.
The days and months passed. Over and over I asked God the same questions. I read His word and prayed harder, but no answer came. At least not the one I wanted.
I can’t say it happened over night, but gradually, I began to see a change within my heart. I learned patience and humility without even realizing it. My heart began to seek God with all the strength I could muster and my soul at last began to be filled. Even in the emptiness of these questions, I found my answer.
God was training me for Himself.
Yes, hardships are confusing. In the midst of them, we tend to be blind to the lessons we are learning. But when I let go of my own ambitions and truly submitted to God, I saw that this place I am in isn’t a box or a cell, but a classroom. A classroom that was teaching me what I desperately needed to learn.
Strangely enough, when I stopped fighting and started submitting to Gods plan, I learned to love Him more. Yes, I was angry at first and scared, but slowly Jesus showed me that He was still good and that He was faithful, in the midst of our suffering. In fact He is even more satisfying when we are unsatisfied with this world.
This classroom was not foreign to me. I was in the same classroom back when I was fourteen and I learned how to love Jesus and practice His presence through that time. This time around, I learned to depend on Him more and continue to learn more how to trust Him with the tiniest of things in my life. Trusting that He knows what’s best for me, even if that means dealing with these health issues forever.
This doesn’t mean my questions were bad or that they were never going to be answered. God did heal me back when I was fourteen and I am recovering from this recent illness too. However, this time around, I am not as impatient. I already see the fruit that God has grown within me and also I see that He isn’t finished. I have a lot to learn, but everyday I trust that Jesus, my Beloved, will teach me in His own timing.
So I thank you for this classroom, Lord…
What are your thoughts? Have you experienced a time like this or are you still struggling with your questions? I would love to hear from you and try to help in anyway I can with those questions. Please comment below your thoughts or questions. I respond to every comment.